I Think I Am Fucking Going Nuts

I have been in Ireland more than a year now and the country has been under some sort of lockdown for the entire time. I do not think I am special. I do not think my problems are worse than anyone else's. I do not think I am spoiled, I do not think I am an asshole. I appreciate everything I have. but if this fucking Pandemic and lockdown goes on much longer I might just spill my guts.


It has also been the best year of my life. I have been with the love of my life and we have been able to get married, even have a wedding. We were also able to move out of the house he shared with a housemate and move into a great apartment that we both love. I also know I am luckier than most of the people in this world. However., that does not mean I cannot or do not have the right to complain.



Age-gap relationship couple Mike and Aaron on their wedding day.


Sometimes I think I can just start screaming bloody murder. I am fortunate Aaron has worked at home since the severest lockdown began so I have had his company. I am also lucky enough to work for myself out of the house. Actually if I am honest, I work out of bed, mostly.on my computer. Sometimes though I get jealous of Aaron who is in our laundry room /office and I hear him laughing with his co-workers who all work from home but have to stay connected with each other. I don't think it is fair that all my friends are in America or other countries and it is too early to call them and laugh with them or bitch to them about this shitty Pandemic. I am also jealous that America is so ahead of us in getting out the vaccine and they are beginning to live somewhat normal lives again. If I am honest I have had the smallest wish that they should get a fourth surge like Europe. Of course I really do not mean this but the thought has gone through my head and I would feel terrible if they did.

Gay couple, Mike and Aaron and Mike working at home during Covid

Even when I do bitch to myself or Aaron about this lousy situation I feel like an ass for doing so. So many people have been sick, so many people have died, so many people have lost loved ones, so many people have lost jobs and then there is me. Totally untouched by all of this, except I can't live my life like I want to. I may sound like an ingrate but I am getting tired of it. When I start to feel a bit ungrateful I try and think of all the good things but I am starting to run out of them. I don't even know how I would have survived this if I had been in New York on my own. Yet still I am complaining...


I thank my stars everyday for Aaron and how lucky I am to have him but I can still feel myself start to take my frustrations out on him sometimes and than I feel even worse. How crazy, I feel he is luckier than me. Why? Because he has to work harder than I do so he keeps busier and probably has less time to think about all of this. I could work harder, but lack the discipline to do so on my own, especially now. I wake up every morning feeling fresh and ready to start the day, however as the day wears on I can feel the small frustrations beginning. Things that would never phase me in the past take on a larger importance than they should and begin to weigh me down. Then my anger starts to grow I and hope no one gets in the way and has to bare the brunt of my temper.


I have mastered a few things though I have learned to take an hour getting dressed in the morning. Something I use to do in less than five, I have learned every route I can walk in the morning to get coffee thereby getting myself some exercise at the same time. I tried watching a Youtube video so I could learn to cut my own hair. It did not work very well. When we moved into our building we were so excited by the, "state of the art gym." that came included in our rent. Well our gym is now open to the apartments in the building for one hour per week and only the residents in each apartment can use it at that time. It is than specially cleaned for the next tennants to use. One must register online for it and believe me you have to be quick to get a slot. I have learned to dress like I am Irish which means I can never wear regular pants. Only sweatpants which they have a unique name for in Ireland, "fatman pants." The reason for the name finally dawned on me. The waist can stretch forever allowing one to eat like a pig when stuck at home and get as big as they want without noticing it. I have even memorized all the shows on Netflix, Amazon Prime and Showtime that we have watched . When this ends I hope to turn the TV off and never turn it on again until I am on my deathbed. I have learned how to use the pedometer on my phone and look at it constantly until I reach the recommended 10,000 steps. I have learned to go up and down every aisle in the grocery store with Aaron as he is constantly on the lookout for new foods to try. I have learned to keep my mouth shut as he does this as even Aaron deserves his small joys in life at the moment, I tried to learn to cook something new every week but gave up after week three as I never seemed to get any better. I have learned to try and hide my smokers cough in public so people do not treat me like a pariah, thinking I have Covid. I have mastered never suggesting we go out to the pub or to a restaurant for dinner and to be happy staying in every evening, I could go on but I would even start to bore myself.

Gay men, Mike and Aaron in Dublin during Covid.

Okay, I am done with my moaning and groaning. I really do have a great life and am very thankful for everything I have been given. Especially my life with Aaron. I know one day life will get back to normal and we all able to start living again. Until then I will just have to let myself become unglued every once in a while. I hope I am not the only one who thinks like this.



Gay men, Mike and Aaron on hike in Dublin