Some people have asked me if I was scared having a younger husband who was financially dependant on me. First and foremost I want to say that Aaron is not financially dependant on me. When we decided to get married he was working and since then he has gotten quite a few raises and could easily take care of himself. Yes, he does live better being married to me then he otherwise would. I will get into this later.
I believe life is like a puzzle and you have to constantly figure out where all the pieces go. When Aaron and I started seeing each other neither one of us was thinking about marriage. When we did decide to get married it was the greatest thing in the world for both of us. Neither one of us ever thought we would be getting married. We were and still are crazy in love. It was not something we were going to walk away from, because of a few obstacles or problems to work out.
There were many things we had to talk about finances just being one of them. We also had to talk about my being so much older and what would happen if I got sick or worse. We had to decide what country we would begin our life together in. We had to talk about whether Aaron thought he could live with an anal neurotic Jewish man and I had to wonder how I had so much luck and did I deserve him.
There are so many different types of couples gay and straight. Older younger couples, same age couples, straight couples where the women is the major money earner, couples where the women stays at home and takes care of the kids or the husband stays home and cares for them, gay couples where one stays home taking care of kids, or simply couples where one works and the other does not or marriages where both couples work and keep their money separate or combined.
I have seen many marriages where one of the spouses gets an allowance, others where they keep their money separate, somewhere they both contribute to a joint account every month. The different ways go on and on. It is something that every couple has to discuss and obviously not always easy. I do believe the more you think about money the same way, the easier it will be agree on how to work it out. It is a lot easier if both people are savers rather than having one saver and one spendthrift.
So yes, some people may think Aaron lucked out marrying someone with a lot more money than him but it is also not always easy when someone else controls more of the purse strings so to speak. By the same token I might have struck it rich by meeting this hot young ambitious guy who’s is gonna make a fortune which will leave me sitting on easy street.
It is not a problem unique to age-gap relationship couples. I will say off the bat if you do not want someone dependant on you do not get married because you never know what can happen. Anyone can lose a job, anyone can lose their money making a bad investment, just look at the stock market today. The person who was so afraid of having a younger person depend on them might one day have to depend on the younger person to support them. Who knows what tricks life can play on us. I know I have seen many couples have reversals they never thought would happen.
It was just over two years go that Aaron and I decided to get married. Aaron was living in a flat with a roommate. Obviously once we decided to make a life together we wanted to get started right away. It was also time to talk about the serious issues that any couple should talk about.
I am not sure who brought up the issue of money. I know without a doubt that Aaron wanted to contribute to our expenses, but we had to figure out how much. What was fair for both of us and what we could both live with,. I think we started the process by figuring out individually what our living expenses were and what percentage of our income we spent on them. I was mainly thinking about two things. I am not sure if i said anything to Aaron about it. One I did not want Aaron having to pay more than he was already paying to live if possible and two I was at a point where I was spending down my savings and wanted to make sure they lasted for both of us.
I did have some ulterior motives when I was figuring everything out I did not mention them to Aaron at the time. I am sure I have said it to him by now, if I haven’t he will be reading about them soon. There are some things I tell Aaron because I know better, as he also knows many things better than me. There are other things I know which I try and refrain from saying because I think sometimes it is more fun to figure things out for yourself.
We all know Aaron is quite a bit younger than me by now. He had graduated collage about a year before we met and I really think his only thought about money was that it was there to enjoy. By keeping his share of expenses fairly low and between his raises at work he has actually found that as much as he enjoys spending his money he has also learned to enjoy saving it. He now contributes regularly to his retirement fund. He has been able to invest in the stock market and bitcoin. He has also learned how bad it feels to lose money when the markets are going against you. In the midst of all of this he still managed to save enough money to take me to Lisbon for my birthday.
If you asked either of us what we paid towards our living expenses I am sure neither one of us could tell you. I take this to mean whatever we have figured out works. We have a vacation coming up in September and I told him he might have to contribute a bit towards food if the stock market doesn’t begin to come back. So there you go I might need his help and he is more than happy to assist.
As of now we do not have a joint checking or savings account. We haven’t found the need for one. My money is still in America and I pay taxes there so for the moment it is simpler.
There are a few things that come up because of the age-gap. For instance if I see him doing what I think are stupid things with his money it is sometimes hard for me to keep my mouth shut. I have to remember though that when I was his age I did plenty of stupid things with my money. I think what they say is true the best way to learn is from your own mistakes. Another age-gap situation is going on right now. The majority of my income is from investments and with the stock market tanking I get worried. It is probably a bit difficult for Aaron to understand as he goes to work everyday and gets a paycheck. I am a worrier by nature but hate to complain even though I know Aaron would be more than willing to commiserate with me.
It has only been two years but so far our initial financial plan has been working out. I imagine at some point we will change it as our situations change. I know as long as we can afford it, what is important to me is that Aaron enjoys what he does and is able to come home with a smile on his face. If he decided he wanted to go back to school at some point to further his studies that would be great too. I think the most important factor is not the amount of money Aaron or each partner makes but rather they are doing something that fulfills them in some way.