Aaron and I never thought we would become Blog Writers. I also never thought I would look and see how many people read our Blogs. Well I do. Our most read Blog so far has been Gay Frat House or Sex Party. I wish every blog would garner as much attention. Unfortunately most won't be as funny or captivating. I wish they could be. But as great and funny as our lives are, life is not always funny, it is sometimes sad and often times full of heartbreak.
When Aaron and I left each other in New York 2 1/2 years ago we were not on good terms. Only when I came to visit him in Dublin did we come to understand the reason. I was being what I thought he wanted me to be and he was doing the same, being what he thought I wanted him to be. Actually kind of beautiful in a stupid sort of way.
When I first got here there was push and pull, give and take, yin and yang if you wish. I think we were both slowly testing the waters again. Maybe afraid of the feelings we had and how to deal with them. Also, I don't think either one of us would have had much confidence in a long distance relationship. I had been in one already and did not want another.
We had a lot of work to do. Previously I said his bedroom in the house he shared had been my Paradise for four months of the lock down, but it was also our everything. Our dining room, our TV room when we got one, our art gallery, our concert hall, our theatre when we were feeling dramatic, our Comedy Central, our therapy room, our testing ground and our battleground a few times. Unfortunately before we could move forward we had to go back to the past. Not just our past relationship but to our individual pasts. It was important to see where we were both coming from. Personally I believe many gay people come from a past full of shame and guilt because we knew so early on that we were never going to be the people we were expected to be and we carried the added,"shame," of being gay.
For an untold number of hours in that room we talked mostly, but we also cried, yelled and laughed until we were sore and I think totally.bare to each other. It was like we had done a slow strip tease until we were both emotionally naked to the other. For some time the tears matched the laughter but soon we realized that we definitely belonged with each other and complete joy took over. Strangely enough I think we would both have a hard time telling you everything we talked about. I don't know if it can happens but I would say our brains forgot and our hearts remember. I know there is no one who knows me as well as Aaron and I hope the reverse is true.
When we laughed in that room we really laughed until we were sore from all the laughter. One time his housemate came in twice to tell us to be quiet as the neighbours were going to call the police it was so late. The third time he came in he threatened to throw us out. The only thing that did was to make us laugh harder. Often times Aaron would make art installations with whatever things we could dig up in the room. I really believe he could be a great artist or performer. Sometimes we sang together, or did dumb shows for one another but he is the one with the better imagination and I love watching him perform.
Looking back it seems bizarre that we were able to live the way we did in that small room, for so long, Especially now, since we have moved into our own apartment that we both love and have plenty of room to move about in. Our only escape from that room was when we would leave the house to go to the grocery or Dollar Store which was only allowed to be open as,"needed essentials." In the dollar store we would run around so pathetically happy to buy something other than groceries. We would come home with candles, paper, pens, decals and any other stupid stuff we could find that might let us forget we were under lock down.
Being in lock down has been a blessing in disguise for us. During this time our love for each other has grown so much. We have learned to depend on each other and trust each other completely. Although I often told other people I loved them I feel like I never really knew what love was until now. It so surpasses anything I have ever had,
Before we were engaged we spent 4 months together 24 hours a day basically in Aaron's bedroom since we were under lock down. During that time we probably had the opportunity to learn more about each other then most people do in years. In my mind I constantly think it was a seamless transition being together again. Now when I begin to analyze our relationship I don't think it was. I am not sure if Aaron was scared but I was and I believe he might have been but less so then I.
We have spent only 5 days apart and that is when I went back to New York to move. People said it must have been hard to do but it was the easiest move I have ever made. I never thought for one minute that I might be making the wrong decision despite the fact that all of my family and friends were back in the States. Aaron was just beginning his career and wherever he wanted to be was fine as long as we could be together.
I'm not quite sure of the exact moment I decided I wanted to marry him but I knew I had never loved anyone like I loved him.. When I proposed I gave him a letter telling him all the reasons I loved him. I'm not sure I would have been able to recite it all to him and simply asking him to marry me would not have been enough. Aaron said yes immediately. It is quite ironic as neither Aaron or I ever thought we would be getting married.
I have met all of Aaron's family but because of the lock down he has never met my family or even any of my friends. Hopefully next March we will be able to celebrate with my family and friends in AZ.
I have said to Aaron that we will probably be one of those couples who peoples see and wonder if they ever spend a minute apart. We hope to make friends together here when lock down ends which I think is important but I still treasure every minute with him and love him by my side. Even the simplest of chores becomes exciting and fun. Going to the grocery store something I never did before becomes an adventure. Trust me in all my life I could not have imagined going to the get groceries once a week with my husband would be a something I looked forward to. Somehow without ever talking about it our shopping jobs have evolved, Aaron picks the meets for a good half hour while I get to pick the cleaning supplies, Aaron unloads the items and I pack then. Going down the aisles becomes a game as we look for new foods to try while dancing, singing and just goofing around.
Often times in life we fall in love, have our hearts broken or stop trying for fear of rejection. We have our hearts broken and think that love is maybe just fiction or a fairy tale. We were lucky enough to be given a second chance at love and not letting it slip away from us. If we had not tried I would always have had this lingering feeling for the rest of my life of what could of been. Having the chance to have a connection with someone so deep that it makes you realise that love does exist can be truly wonderful. So it can be hard but your heart does remember how to love even when you think you may have forgotten.