I have very few regrets about coming out so late in my life. It was a very slow process for me and my guess is I was not completely out until I was coming up to 40. Meaning there were no more secrets and my whole family knew my sexuality. What a relief to finally be free of all those ropes and chains holding me back from being who I was or who I was meant to be. I do have one important piece of advice to anyone young reading our, Blog. I have said it before and I am saying it again. Never let anyone push you out of the closet. You are the judge of when the time is right and it is up to you to do at your own pace. Whether you want to tiptoe or run it is all up to you. Do it on your own terms!
One of the few regrets I have about coming out so late is that I was never able to develop a circle of gay friends who I really cherished and treated me like the Diva I was meant to be. I always had a group of great straight friends but only a few gay ones who were never part of the same group. I was always a little envious when I saw a group of gay men who I thought were all buddies.
I know I am exactly where I should be in life right now and believe that things usually happen for a reason. I used to wonder though what kind of life I would have had if I had more confidence in who I was. Would I have been smarter, more ambitious, made more money, found something to do that I was 100 percent passionate about? These things very rarely enter my mind now, probably since I am happier than I ever thought possible.
My biggest regret by far is that I would have loved to live out my fantasy of being a teenage, (or twenty something,) whore. Take me back in time and that is exactly where I would go. Even better if I could also take back with me all the things I know now. Sweet Jesus, talk about a fun time!!!
I always thought you were supposed to love the person you were having sex with and only have it with one person at a time. This seems incredibly stupid of me. Especially coming from the totally dysfunctional family I belonged to. Maybe I just manufactured that idea in my head as an excuse for being such a wimp of a person, to afraid to get their feet wet.
As my gay leanings came out more, I wish I been more out of the closet and lived my, “Sleazy Whore Dream,” to the fullest. I had always wondered what threesomes and sex parties were like, or just how sleazy I could really be. In college I had seen straight sex parties. They were not called that at the time, they were just parties where everyone was pretty much fucked up and wild. I even participated in a few but I knew it was not my thing and kept wishing the party was all guys. I wanted to get into my own shenanigans. Not pretending to have fun with a bunch of straight people who I wasn’t the least bit interested in.
When I was a bit older I went to Fire Island quite a bit in the summers, which was the equivalent of prime time, whoring, sex parties, orgies and drugs. I said that in the wrong order. It should have been drugs, whoring, sex parties and orgies. Everything you could want and there was me sitting on the sidelines. Everybody must have thought he is such a fucking stuck up bore. When all I ever wanted to do was jump in.
In the night time if I were walking around the Island I always had visions of being surrounded and taken apart by 10 hot guys, on the beach, the dunes, the woods or at one of the house parties, (which would usually end up being a semi-sex party,) wishing everyone knew what a whore I wanted to be. I wanted them to tackle me to the ground and initiate me into the club. My visions of being initiated was being covered in everyone’s cum. Unfortunately it never came to fruition. I have always had a joke that I am probably the only person who spent about 10 summers on Fire Island and only slept with my boyfriend or no one if I did not have a boyfriend at the time.
I am not sure why but I had a very good friend whose house I stayed at quite a bit on the Island. For whatever reason he thought he had to protect me from becoming the whore I dreamed of being. ( I was probably lucky looking back.) He had a large house and there were usually 5 or six other guys who would be visiting. It was definitely considered one of the hottest houses on the island. Joey gave any person staying there strict instructions that I was not to be given any drugs and they were not to have sex with me. So basically I never got to be at the bottom of the pile with the 10 other guys I fantasized about. It was just My dog, Ted and I walking around the island looking for something to keep us entertained. Neither one of us had much luck, although Ted did love to chase deer. Looking back, I know I am lucky my friend Joey wanted to protect me or thought I needed protecting, because I probably did.
All in all I am dam happy with my life. I still would have liked to have been that dirty little whore even if it were just for a few weeks. As long as I ended up with Aaron.
I do find something interesting though. So many of the Whores that I knew 30 years ago are still at it. When I talk to them they don’t think they could ever settle down even if they wanted to. I ask them why and they tell me after so many partners and I mean sometimes 2 or three a day, they could never be happy with just one person. To me it would just seem so tiresome after a while. It is not for me to judge but I am so glad I have the life I do.
Despite never getting the chance to be a whore when I was younger, today Aaron and I get to be each others whore and I know I am having the time of my life. My true whore has finally come out of the closet and I love it! I guess the true whore in all of us can come out whenever it wants, but my whoring will only be with my husband. Now I want to be a porn star!!!
I’d like to know if any of you had fantasies a bit on the wild side or am I the only crazy out there?
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