Growing up closeted in a small town isn't a new story, but it is still difficult for any person to do. Although it is more accepted today, that doesn't mean it is any easier and there isn't a long way to go. Here's my take on what it was like for me and some hard and even some strange truths. I grew up in a small town in the south of Ireland. I guess every small country town is relatively similar. Growing up I can"t actually remember when the notion came to me about who I was or who I was attracted to.
I remember when I was young probably less than 8 and all of us boys started kissing girls, All the boys would be so excited afterwards except me. I swear after every kiss with a girl I would be in tears and run away. Was I shy or was this the first sign of who I was?
It is hard to pin down but I think it was about age 10 when all the boys curiosity started to peak and we all started to think and talk about sex. We started to hear all these stories and new words that would make all of us kids laugh. Even the word sex would have us laughing and giggling, I remember when one of the older kids started telling us a story and he said sperm, we barely had an idea what that was and then one of the other older kids said it's not sperm it's cum. The only " cum," we knew was spelled come. My mind was blown. But here I am years later and can be heard yelling "fuck i'm cumming" or some other variation, so I guess you could say it stuck.
Growing up I felt strange, (hopefully I wasn't the only one). I wasn't excited about girls the way my friends were. I knew I was different but I didn't want to be. I wanted to belong not be an outcast. My solution, suppress all those strange feelings and act just like my friends. I spent the next few years persuading myself that I was straight and that being "gay" or whatever I was, was just a phase that I would grow out of. But the days turned into weeks, the weeks into years and everything stayed the same. I never got butterflies in my stomach for girls the way I would for a guy. Whenever I wanked all I could thinks of were guys. After I came I would have this feeling of shame and guilt that I had just done something wrong. Those feeling of shame and guilt however were not strong enough to stop me from doing it again and again whenever I had that urge to cum.
Secondary/ High School was a funny strange time for me. I started off as a pretty good student but I started to go downhill pretty quickly as I started to fancy many of my teachers. Instead of paying attention in class I would get horny and go running to the bathroom every chance I had for a wank. I remember one time in particular in after school study hall. There were probably 100 plus students and a teacher watching everyone. I am not sure why but suddenly the urge came so strong and I needed relief so bad. Somehow in the middle of that hall with a 100 plus kids I managed to have a wank blowing my load all over myself. I was in a panic to clean it up. My only choice, use my study. notes, It must have been the stealthiest. wank I had ever had.` If I had some other friends like me, and maybe could have talked to them maybe things would not have spiralled so badly. It got to the point where I was constantly thinking of sex and could not concentrate on school anymore. I would now just be getting myself into trouble to keep my mind occupied. Unfortunately this led to me being kicked out of school for the final few weeks before exams.
During all this time I was still trying to be straight and fit in but my mind was constantly in overdrive and too curious. The thought of men was like a rush of adrenaline to me and I couldn't help myself. I had to seek them out and figure out what the feelings were that I was having for them. I remember spending endless hours on porn and finally one day I stumbled on Gaydar and Manhunt which were the hook up sites for men at the time. Half of me was terrified I would get caught or someone would discover who I was. The other half of me was just amazed at what I found. It did not take me long to strike up several chats with guys, always making sure that I did not know them and they did not know me.
It makes me laugh today that guys would travel 40 km to meet someone where I was from. But when I moved to Dublin if someone were further than 1 km away it would be a deal breaker. The day finally came when I had the opportunity to meet up with someone. I wasn't nervous at all I just remember being so curious. How would I know what to do? What did I like? Who does what? Surprisingly enough everything just fell into place. It was nothing like when I was with a girl and it was clumsy. It was just instant heat, heart pounding. Something finally felt perfectly normal. Everything flowed. Or maybe I should just say oozed.
Despite how much fun it was. I felt the same way I did after I wanked. That horrible feeling of guilt and shame would overtake me like I did something wrong. How could it be wrong when it felt so right doing it. Lucky for me those bad feelings would always pass and I continued to explore. As I got older I made my outings more frequent. All my friends and I were lucky enough to have fake IDS. Many nights we would go out to the clubs and somehow I would always manage to disappear into the night to find some trouble or fun, I'm not sure which. It was fun at first but then all the sneaking around begins to catch up with you. I was constantly looking over my shoulder. I could not let my straight lad persona slip. I wasn't ready to let it go.
I was now in my late teens and partying was a part of my life. It was the best way for me to escape my thoughts. If it weren't for my ability to party I am not sure I would have made it this far. I don't mean to encourage anyone to party and get drunk or off their face. It was just that when I partied I was able to forget all the thoughts I had in my head and enjoy myself. I had great friends and loved being with them without any worries about who I was. We had the best times. We were all wild and crazy in the best of ways. The memories we created will always be with us. Even today I still love looking back to all the trouble we got up to. Back than it was necessary for me to hide that part of myself from them. I also knew though that they would have accepted me. My friends were all crazy, we would all bounce off each other and loved being together., I could not accept myself yet.
I felt I had to be escape. Enough was enough. I may not have given off the impression that I was shy but when it was just me being Aaron and not chemically induced Aaron I was shy. I knew I did not have the confidence to be myself in my small town. I had to leave. I finally finished school and decided my way out was going to be college. I packed my bags and headed to the big city, Dublin. Here in Dublin where I live now things did change, a bit slow perhaps but eventually I came to be in a great place.