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Gay Relationships - The Talks We Don't Want To Have

Gay, straight, single, married, we all have to deal with it no matter how much we choose to ignore it or don’t want to deal with it. The fact is we are all going to die and before that if we are unlucky get some sort of debilitating illness. When you are in a relationship this is something you should be discussing with your partner and properly prepare for. It is definitely harder to do when you are in an age gap relationship.

gay couple, Aaron and Mike in Paris for a wedding.

When Aaron and I decided to get married we briefly talked about our differences in age and decided in most instances it would actually be a plus. The one area Aaron did not want to talk that much about was the probability that I would most likely either get a serious illness and or die many years before him. If I thought Aaron might one day marry someone closer to his age I would have pressed on and not let the subject drop so quickly. However I knew the chance of that happening was nil.

We have now been living together for 2 years and been married for a year and a half and still haven't had a meaningful discussion about the fact that I will most likely get sick and or die before he does and what my wishes are. I am to blame for this. First of all I am lazy. Second of all life is so good right now I'd hate to jinx ourselves. Finally I know this is a hard topic for Aaron to deal with. Aaron is just starting to live his life and I don't think death and illness are something he wants to think about. I haven't pushed it when I should.

When I was living in the states before I met Aaron I had my Medical Directive, Living Will and Will all completed. Being single it was all pretty simple as I knew exactly what I wanted and I did not have to consider anyone else's wishes. However being married now and living in a new country I really have to begin again. I think my Will is easier to discuss than my Medical Directive.

Poster saying, "the talks we don't want to have."

Before I met Aaron I told people I would be happy if I only had 25 cents in my bank account when I died. This would have meant I had a good life. Getting married changed this philosophy. There are now two of us. Pre Aaron I had worked hard and was starting to retire a bit and enjoy all my hard work by traveling, collecting some art and other things. I do not consider myself rich by any standard but had build my nest egg and was ready to start spending it. Now my feelings have changed. Aaron makes a very good living but I am very happy I can add a few luxuries to our lives. Also I have changed my attitude towards my nest egg. I now want to see it grow again. I want us to have the best life possible and be able to do all the things we have talked about.

I know Aaron will be able to take care of himself just fine when I am gone. However just like now when it thrills me to make his life and our life a bit easier and more enjoyable I want to do the same thing when I'm not around anymore.

There is no doubt in my mind that the minute Aaron reads this he will start yelling at me that he doesn’t want anything from me and I believe him. But that is not the point. I am the one dying and he has to honor my wishes. If I leave him a little money and he does not want it he can give it away. I also know when I want to talk to him about my will he will say he doesn’t care what is in it. Aaron I know you will be reading this so I am telling you not to be stupid. My wishes and my will are things that need to be talked about despite it being difficult, For instance I would like to make a few bequests and also leave some money to charity. Maybe there are some charities you would like to donate to rather than charities I have given to in the past, Better we discuss and understand it now than you be upset after I die which would kill me if I were alive. I have heard too many horror stories not to want to do this correctly.

Mike and Aaron enjoying their terrace.

When I do die I pray to god or to someone that I do it painlessly in my sleep. What a terrific way to go. If I don’t go that way and I get some illness that's where the real fun starts. Talking about ones Medical Directive or Living Will is much more difficult. It makes talking about your will seem like a piece of cake. For all intensive purposes I am going to consider the Medical Directive and Living Will the same document although there are some minor differences. Essentially it is a document stating what medical treatment I would want in the future if at the time I was not in a state to make the decision myself. In that document I state who I want to make the decisions for me. Aaron you better follow it to a tee. Until you actually look at a Medical Directive you really don’t realize how many things can be done to keep you alive. It is never too early to have one. Remember your Living Will is just as much for your partner as you. You are doing them a favor by letting them know what you want and not making them guess.

When I think about getting older the diseases of the mind, dementia and alzheimers are what scares me the most, I have seen people with these diseases and it is heart wrenching watching people you love dwindle down to nothing, As far as I am concerned this is no way to live. Half of the time I am so forgetful I feel I am on my way.

I am not a religious person and would have no qualms about taking my own life if I was going to lose my mind or had an incurable disease. I think I have been pretty lucky in life and it continues to surprise with just how happy I am every day. I understand that illness is a part of getting older. I don’t mind this knowing I will get better but I do mind not having a quality of life. I am not one to dwell on age but I have noticed a few things I will do now that I am married to a youngster.. For instance sometimes I get out of bed and my knee gives out and I force myself not to limp as I don't want Aaron thinking he’s living with an old man. I know he wouldn’t especially since I am probably in better shape than he is.

If I can’t take care of myself I don’t want someone to take care of me. I know Aaron would but that is not the way I want him to spend his life. I also don't care to spend the money I worked for on nurses and caregivers until it is all gone.

I want Aaron to be able to live his life to the fullest. It kills me to think that I could ever be the cause of him not being able to. I don’t want his memories of us to be tainted by my illness. If anything ever happens to me my wish for Aaron would be that he fall in love again with someone who loves him as much as I do. I don't think anyone could love him more than I do.

I've been lucky enough to find love in this lifetime and everyday I smile that I found my soulmate ,my best friend my everything and more. I wrote this blog not to be a hard read but to provoke an honest and serious discussion that everyone needs to have when in a relationship or even themselves it they are on their own.

Mike and Aaron having a bit of fun


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