Sometimes Aaron and I are in bed and I look around the room and I tell him I can’t believe this is ours. I mean the room, the apartment. I simply cannot believe we are married. It has been nearly two years and I have no idea what it should feel like but sometimes it feels too good to be true.
I do everything I can to be the best husband possible. I think Aaron would agree with that statement and if he doesn’t he can write his own blog. I know he does his best too. When we first leased our apartment 2 years ago we had our share of disagreements. They were mostly due to the fact we had never lived together before except for 3 months when I stayed with Aaron and his flatmate. We have also had a few arguments. I would call them getting to know you arguments. They are basically non existent now. If something does arise we have learned to talk and discuss our issues, at least most of the time.
Last week Aaron came home from work full of anger that he was trying to hold in and control. He told me what had happened but did not want to talk about it further and I let it go. We proceeded to go to the gym where between every set Aaron just paced up and down the floor of the gym, like the tiger in the cage. I assumed he did this in an attempt to cool down. I did let him know I loved him but beyond that I let him be.
I have only seen Aaron like this one or two times before. When you have to watch the person you love in pain you can’t help but feel that pain too. You also can’t help but feel helpless when you don’t know how to make the person you love feel better
Aaron has a great personality and rarely gets angry and if he does he is over it in no time at all. He is probably the first person someone will invite to their party and most definitely be the life of the party. He will always be there for the underdog and will not standby when injustices are taking place. Aaron knows how easily I get aggravated and or stressed and will always offer to take over any tasks he knows will irritate me.
Last night he did make me laugh at one point. I did not dare to let him see me laugh. I told him I could not stand to see him so unhappy and he told me not to look. I am still smiling. I thought it was pretty good reply.
I hated that there was nothing I could do to make Aaron feel better. At least if I had done something to get him angry or hurt I would have an idea how to make the situation better. So now in addition to feeling his pain and being powerless to help him, I start to feel a bit inadequate and insecure.
I am not sure where my feelings of insecurity come from. Aaron does not do anything to make me feel insecure. If I were to guess I would say most of it has to do with being in a new environment without a support system. When the feelings of insecurity come up I simply put them in check and they usually go away pretty quickly.
I am not going to go into it, but those of you who have been reading the Blog know I grew up in an environment where I never seemed to make the grade with my parents. It made me quite insecure. Despite my dealing with these issues from the past they do pop up once in a while.
I don’t think i am that abnormal and I would guess some feelings of insecurity pop up in every relationship at some point in time for one reason or another. When it happens with me I try to take a few steps back and ask myself what is going on. Once I take my emotions out of the equation and am able to think constructively I usually come across the reasons for feeling the way I do,
When I couldn't make Aaron feel better last night I started to feel insecure. From the past I know I have some abandonment issues which started rising. I imagine Aaron leaving and I am left here, in Ireland hardly knowing anyone. In my fantasy world I want to be all that Aaron needs, but I know I can’t and if truth be told I don’t want to be. It would be a relentless amount of pressure. Aaron has a lot of needs as I do and most people. When Aaron occasionally goes out with his work buddies I think it is great. He gets to have a few pints and blow off steam about his job. There are parts of his job I don’t always understand. I also have a evening to myself to do whatever. The same with his friends. I love seeing him text back and forth with them or his family. I believe these other relationships Aaron has only make our relationship stronger and healthier.
After thinking about the other night I realize one of the nicer parts of our relationship is that Aaron doesn’t expect me to always make him feel better and the reverse is true. I don’t think either one of us is capable of that all the time. What matters is that we are there for each other 100 percent of the time.